The Department of Driver's Circuses
By Colby Marshall - March 24, 2016
THERE'S just nothing like a trip to the DMV. The lead up alone is enough to make you snap your twig. You scramble to find documents the goverment requires you to bring in: some old paperwork in a trunk in the attic, a bill in a stack of mail you'd dedicated months of your life to ignoring, and the body of your dead parakeet, Chief Blue Feather Chirps, as proof of your residency.
Now, by the time you've arrived at the DMV, you're shaking from having to use a rusty crowbar and muscles you'd forgotten existed trying to open the locked chest that paperwork was in, and you're choking back tears from the way you can feel Chief Blue Feather Chirps' brittle body wrapped in that washcloth in the ziplock bag. Your day is ruined, and all you really want to do is go home. But damn it, you made it here, and you'd get your business done, because God forbid you had to come again.
But if you have to be so miserable, why not share the joy? The innocent workers who had no say in whatsoever in what you needed to bring...the other patrons waiting on their turns to be helped...they might not have done a darn thing, but you sure are going to take it out on them!
Why not make the most of your time sitting so close to strangers that you know the exact Taco Bell menu item they had for lunch by making everyone wonder why the phrase going postal took such root when no one has yet coined a term for the epidemic of involuntary committals caused by a place that is supposedly dedicated to public safety.
So, come on!
While you're waiting, have a little fun! And if you can't think of a single idea, don't worry! I've thought up somee for you. Now all you have to do is relax and enjoy the ride. So, without further ado...
I PROUDLY PRESENT...
The Top Ten Fun Things To Do At the DMV
10.) When asked to look into the vision test, do so. Then, lean in close to the clerk at the counter and whisper, "That's a really good picture of you."
9.) When asked to present proof of residence, offer a print-out of the street view of your home on Google Maps with a hand-drawn arrow and the words "I live here."
8.) Storm into the building and angrily slam the notice you received in the mail about it being time to renew your license
and demand to know "Who sent this?"
(HINT : IT WAS THIS GUY )
7.) Continue to subtly attempt to slip the clerk a five dollar bill bribe during the interaction, such as when asked to stand in front of the screen for a picture, or to pay the renewal fee. Wink to let him know you appreciate his discretion.
8.) When asked for documents to verify you are who you say you are, become outraged and convinced that the clerk is trying to steal your identity. (For bonus points, whip out your cell phone and start snapping photos of him "so the police will be able to find him.")
7.) When asked for either a birth certificate, passport, or U.S. citizenship certificate to prove your citizenship, proudly present straight from the box, your paperwork from Babyland General.
6.) Feign nervousness about the vision test. Ask the clerk to hold your hand for moral support.
5.) On the renewal application form, point to the blank for alternate phone number. Sheepishly explain that you cannot fill this part in for "religious reasons."
4.) Stand at front of waiting area and encourage your "fellow hostages" to pass the time with a rousing game of Simon Says/the "uncensored version" of the Macarena/impromptu lap dances.
3.) When asked whether or not you'd like to be an organ donor, require clerk to certify in writing that your piano will not also be seized/argue that you cannot be as you do not own an organ, but that your church has one they might be able to borrow/consent, but only with the understanding that they must be either harvested by or used by Mark Wahlberg.
2.) Point to the checkbox asking whether, if you have been diagnosed with a mental disability, you had ever been declared incompetent. Ask very seriously, "Simple or complex?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO HAVE FUN AT THE DMV:
Enter the building carrying boombox. As soon as inside doorway, lift overhead and play "What is Love," complete with the full-on Night at the Roxbury head bop.
What would you do for fun at the DMV?