Their Names Just Oversold 'Em Something Awful
By Colby Marshall - March 23, 2016
Well, blog club, today, I just don't know what to tell you. I won't lie to you; I am disappointed. Today may just go down in history as one of the most rotten, and all because someone. . . somewhere. . .for some reason. . . didn't think of just a little courtesy. Now, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the person or people who did this did think. Perhaps they were playing a prank, made malicious choices, and now it is us who have to suffer the blighted hope, take the brunt of their brutish blow.
Either way, I bring this to your attention not to bum you out just because I can, but rather, so that what happened to me will never happen to you. So that you'll never have to know the shocking blindside that inevitably comes with these creatures. You see, these creatures, about which I intend to reveal their ugly truths, have some of the most interesting, whimsical, and exciting names in nature ; names that evoke pictures of greatness, the avant garde, the deliciously bizarre, and the ridiculously absurd. It's easy, hearing these names, for spirits to run high, hopes higher. The way they sound should mean when I Google image search them, I should be seeing things akin to what Andrew Loyd Webber saw on whatever that acid trip was that resulted in Cats.
But, my friends..
It is with great sadness that I give to you a list of
The Most Underwhelming Animals
Name First. Picture Second. Expect the Unexpected.
1.) THE GREATER ROADRUNNER - so, um, the guy on the left is the Greater one? I think I'll wait on the horse races. I was just expecting something with a little more...legs.
2.) THE ARCTIC LEMMING - Call me crazy, but when I see an arctic lemming, it had better be white. This thing looks like it rolled around in dirty snow. I don't know about you, but I don't trust that he is from where he says he is. I don't trust him.
3.) THE AYE AYE - Um, just...no. What is that creepy bat-lookin' thing? And where is its eye patch? Was it just me expecting some peg-leg pirate sonofabitch with a parrot on his shoulder. This thing
look more like the Ghost of Chihuahuas past come to tell usabout our lord and savior Vampire Bat. In fact, he looks like he's going to spring at me out of that towel at any second before he tells me. And then, he'll eat my face.
4.) THE GLASS LIZARD - I've got only two things to say about this asshole. First if all, it looks nothing like glass. Second of all, um...it's a snake. NAME FAIL.
5.) PINK FAIRY ARMADILLO- WOW. NOT at all what I was expecting.
No wings, no tutu. No magic want. Not throwing glitter. How dare she call herself a fairy armadillo! I don't care how tiny she can look in your hands!
6.) STRIPED ROCKET FROG
TOTAL. LETDOWN. He's not even wearing his jetpack or his boots with the rocket thrusters.
7.) HAWAAIIN HONEYCREEPER - Is this guy out for the honey or something else? Because that hooked beek is making me nervous. And his beady little eye is looking at me..
8.) SPINY MOUSE - I was expecting like a little javelin mouse, maybe a medieval chain mail. But no. Not. One. Spine.
9.) KIRK'S DIK DIK - I won't tell you how disappointed I was about this when I saw it...but I was disappointed.
10.) CARPET PYTHON - Not Flat. Looks nothing like carpet.
11. ORNATE ROCK DRAGON
Not so much a ""dragon" as a "lizard." Not so much "ornate" as "speckled."
As you can see, this is highly distressing. But so I don't leave you in total despair...
I PROUDLY PRESENT...
Two Good Citizens of the forest, role models to their peers. They're just livin' up to their names, flauntin' what they are.
I have only three words for you:
#1. T H E M O U S E D E E R
Looks exactly like what he said he would.
and just three more:
#2. G O L D E N B R U S H T A I L P O S S U M
What do you think, Blog Club? Which did you like the best?